


Do You Like the Person You've Become?

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: The Road Less Travelled [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU from Kiss From A Rose, absolutely most positively AU, spoilers for S3E15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 07:17:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: Magnus finds, or rather re-finds home, Alec has a few revelations...





	Do You Like the Person You've Become?

**Author's Note:**

> What was that episode? I'm so confused (Raphael?!) 
> 
> You have to read the first two fics in this series before this one. :) 
> 
> Alright, for this series, it's totally absolutely AU from Kiss From a Rose, the stuff with Heidi still happens, Magnus just isn't able to mojo Nora, but Heidi still meets her fate with Maia. Raphael doesn't get taken in, I will probably deal with that in the next fic in this series, if I write one. The Luke situation is also going to be sorted at some point (maybe). Oh, and Underhill still had his little standoffish thing with Magnus, since technically Magnus is still an outsider even though he's Nephilim. (And even though Will Herondale and Tessa Grey ran the London Institute together but what the hey). 
> 
> Oh, and Lorenzo pretty much took the loft, then after Alec threatened him and left, he threw the whole place into stasis and went home to his mansion. So everything in the loft is absolutely, exactly the way the boys left it. :)
> 
> ... Still haven't written that essay...

_All that you desired when you were a child,_  
_Was to be old, was to be old._  
_Now that you are here suddenly you fear,_  
_You’ve lost control, you’ve lost control._  
_Do you like the person you’ve become...?_  
  
_Under the weight of living?_  
_You’re under the weight of living._  
~Bastille, Weight of Living, Part 2

* * *

Seven days after Magnus’ learns he’s now a Nephilim a little piece of familiarity, a little piece of his past is given back to him in the form of his loft. It comes alongside a grudging apology from Lorenzo which essentially boils down to ‘I wasn’t trying to kill you, but I _might_ have been sad if I had’ which reeks of Delphine’s interference, since Lorenzo would never admit such a thing otherwise. Either way, Magnus is relieved, feels suddenly so much lighter than he has in days, and is quick to portal himself back to the loft, finds everything exactly as he left it.

Magnus walks through the loft, checking on absolutely everything, but most especially his cats, who are as happy to see him as he is them. Magnus’ perusal leads him back out to the living room, where his chest grows tight.

He’s been homeless before, countless times. Living out on the street after his mother and step-father died, living out in the wilderness after wising up to Asmodeus’ influence and banishing him to hell. Moving from village to town to village after running away from the Silent Brothers and their patient teachings. Fleeing from one place to another, trying to outrun the Shadowhunters, but finding them everywhere he ever went. Drifting from one part of the globe to another in search of… _something_ after he was left to fend for himself when Ragnor took over London and Cat fell in love with a mortal and decided she was going to be with them till the end of the line.

He’s been homeless before, but never like this. Homeless, magicless, mortal, all alone in the world. Except, that’s not quite true, either. He has Alec, and Izzy, and Clary, and Jace, and Simon, and Raphael, and Cat, and Madzie, and so many others, but none of them have been where he has been. If there have ever been warlocks turned Nephilim before him, they’re long dead by now. He’s all alone in the world, the only one of his kind. 

Standing in the middle of _his_ living room, the familiar safety and warmth of _his_ loft embracing him, he closes his eyes and gives in to the maelstrom of emotions he’s been keeping at bay. He falls to his knees, curls up on the floor and cries until there’s no more tears left to cry.

* * *

He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying there, on the floor of _his_ loft, staring off into the middle distance and feeling a thousand miles away, but the moment is broken by a fire message appearing in the air above him, and he groans reaching up to grab it.

_Could you please just let me know that you’re not dead or dying in a ditch somewhere?_

_~A_

The message reads, Magnus frowns at it in confusion, before slowly pushing himself up on his knees with a sigh and digging in his pocket for his cellphone. When he finds it, he sees that he has four missed calls and an innumerable amount of texts.

“Oh.” He exclaims, flicking the parchment over to write a quick reply and sending it off.

_I’m fine, sorry, lost track of time. I’m at the loft._

_~M_

When the message is gone in a ball of flame, he sighs and decides that he might as well go and get changed, since he’s already aware all of his clothing is still tucked neatly in his drawers. So, he pulls himself up and drags himself down to his room and is just buttoning up his shirt when he hears knocking at the front door, frowns in thought as to why Alec doesn’t just come in, before he remembers that they’d given Lorenzo the keys, which are now sitting on the coffee table, all accounted for.

He smiles as he heads back out, a little spring in his step, he pauses at the front door, unlocking it and pulling it open with a big grin on his face as he finds Alec frowning at him from the other side.

“Welcome home!” He exclaims, all but dragging Alec into the loft. “All of our things are still here, exactly as we left them, I checked, and Lorenzo even admitted he’d have been sad if I died, Alexander. Life is wonderful!” he says, twirling around and sighing happily.

“And Lorenzo just happened to give your loft back to you, because?” Alec asks, crossing his arms over his chest and making a face. Magnus considers making up some fanciful story for all of five seconds before shrugging.

“Delphine. The warlock who showed me the error of my newly Nephilim ways.” He answers, smiling. “I imagine she took offense to Lorenzo almost killing me _and_ stealing my loft.”

“ _I_ take great offense to him almost _killing_ you and stealing _our_ loft.” Alec answers, before he reaches out to grab Magnus and pull him into a searing kiss. “I love you, and I love this stupid loft, and I totally didn’t threaten Lorenzo because he wouldn’t give it back.” Alec says when the kiss breaks, Magnus ponders that and then sighs.

“Please don’t go abusing your power on my behalf, Alexander. Lorenzo deserves it, no doubt, but don’t let him turn you into something you’re not.” He pleads, stepping closer into Alec’s space and wrapping his arms around his lover, hiding his face in Alec’s chest. “Lorenzo will get what is coming to him, but I don’t want you to sink to his level. He rules the warlocks in this city with fear and manipulation, I don’t want you to rule the Downworlders the same way. It will lead nowhere good.”

“I know.” Alec admits, snaking his arms around Magnus and rocking the both of them gently side to side. “I know, he just pisses me off so much. He’s corrupted, as corrupt as any high member of the Clave. He doesn’t deserve this city.”

“He won’t have it for long.” Magnus answers, shaking his head. “A lot of the warlocks in this city don’t like me, but aside from the clusterfuck with the Seelie Queen, I never forbid the warlocks from doing what they wanted as long as they kept me informed. When there was trouble, I rose up to do my best to protect them. Lorenzo has already demonstrated that his solution to problems is to prevent anyone from helping me fix them, and to pretend like they’ll go away on their own.”

“Yeah, he’s an idiot with delusions of his own grandeur.”

“Well, yes. But he’s _young,_ he’s barely four hundred years old. He doesn’t really remember what it means to have the Shadowhunters chasing you across the globe. He doesn’t really remember what it means to have nowhere safe for you to lay your head down. He doesn’t know what it means to get on the wrong side of the Shadowhunters who dwell in the same place you dwell.” Magnus says, thinking back over the years before the Accords, the slaughter he found everywhere he went.

“Well, he’s going to find out.” Alec promises, but Magnus shakes his head, pulling away to grip Alec’s wrists tight in his hands.

“No. He’s young and he’s stupid, Alexander. But please don’t be the Shadowhunter he will fear for the rest of his life. Please don’t be the person he’s still looking over his shoulder for a hundred years down the track, three hundred… a thousand." he begs, thinks of the first Shadowhunter he ever encountered, back in his home town. His parents newly dead and the marked stranger following him everywhere he went until Asmodeus swept him up to relative safety. Thinks of the many, many years it had taken him to finally stop looking over his shoulder for a Shadowhunter who was most definitely dead by then. "Word will spread quickly that Delphine is displeased with him, sooner rather than later, he will be displaced, and someone else will take over Brooklyn. You don’t need to do anything.” Magnus pleads, looking into Alec’s eyes. “Please, don’t go down this path. It’s not the type of person you are.”

“But he’s-“

“Not your problem.” Magnus states, refusing to break eye contact. “He will be dealt with by the warlocks and considering he nearly killed me while stealing from me, it’s likely he will be banished from the city. Do not turn this into something horrible, Alexander. Do not turn this isn’t something that I do not know if I can ever forgive.”

“Magnus?” Alec asks, his voice breaking.

“Shadowhunters used to hunt and kill Downworlders for sport. Sometimes, it didn’t matter what a Downworlder did, they existed, therefore they were fair game. I understand why you despise Lorenzo, I understand why you’re angry with him, but he is no longer your problem, he never was. When I told you about the deal with the loft and you swore that you’d kill him, I could see it in your eyes, Alexander, in the way that you were carrying yourself. If I hadn’t stopped you, you would have done it, and I wouldn’t have been able to forgive that.”

“I-I wouldn’t-“

“You would, because the Clave has taught that it is okay. But it’s not okay, Alec. Lorenzo has been under my protection for at least a century, even though I’m no longer his High Warlock, even though I’m no longer a warlock, I could not accept you killing another warlock, another Downworlder, unless it was to save my life, or someone else’s.” he acknowledges, sighing heavily and shaking his head. “You’re not a bully, and you’re most certainly not a murderer.” He says, suddenly letting go as Alec recoils, like he’s been hit.

“I didn’t… I would never… I’m-“ Alec stumbles away from Magnus, breathing heavily and shaking his head as he claws at his chest, his face scrunching up in pain. Magnus steps forward quickly but doesn’t know what to do without his magic.

“Hey, hey, just breathe for me, in and out.” He murmurs, trying not to panic himself as he pulls his stele from his pocket and thinks over the runes Alec drew on him, including those that aren’t permanent. Finally, he remembers the rune for breathing under duress and all but wrenches Alec’s shirt open and draws the rune over Alec’s chest. Almost immediately Alec’s breathing begins to settle, and Magnus steps back.

“Sorry.” Alec murmurs, swallowing thickly and closing his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, don’t. You told me to let you know when you were doing something that I didn’t agree with. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need you to know what I can and cannot accept.” Magnus assures him, reaching forward to pull him into his arms. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for, I just need you to not do it in future.”

“No, it’s not that.” Alec answers, pressing his face against Magnus’ neck and breathing in shakily. “I almost let Meliorn die, I almost helped kill you, and I was willing to kill Lorenzo. Maybe I am a murderer.” He exclaims, his breath hitching and a little whine escaping his throat as Magnus’ feels the first tell-tale sign of tears against his neck.

“You’re not. I promise you’re not.” Magnus says, rubbing up and down Alec’s back. “If you were a murderer, Lorenzo would already be dead. You’re not a murderer, I’m sorry I even brought it up.”

“You don’t understand.” Alec sobs, his hands scrambling in Magnus’ shirt, clenching and unclenching the fabric between his fingers. “I-I already tried to kill you before, what if I-“

“Don’t you dare start on that.” Magnus says, shaking his head. “You thought I was Valentine, and while I don’t agree with what you almost did, I don’t blame you. I’m not afraid of you, I don’t spend long in the vicinity of Shadowhunters I’m scared will kill me, Alexander. You are _not_ a murderer. You’re a good, honest person. You’ve made mistakes, but we all have, and you’ve learned from yours.”

“But what if-“

“No. I see the darkness in you, the potential, but I also know that you have enough self-control not to give in. Besides, if you’re a murderer, you’re pretty shit at it. I’m still here, Meliorn is still here, and so’s Lorenzo, I think you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Magnus says, smiling when Alec gives him a choked little laugh. “Come on, let’s go cuddle in bed and I promise I’ll lie to Izzy and tell her that I’ve never seen you cry, ever.” Magnus promises and all but drags Alec down the hall. “You’re not a murderer, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you’re the man I’m foolishly, stupidly in love with, the man I’m going to marry, and the man I’m going to spend the rest of forever with. You will never be a murderer.”

“If someone kills you, I’ll kill them.” Alec promises quietly, deathly serious, as they step into the master bedroom and Magnus sighs.

“I’d prefer you not become a murderer over me at all, for any reason, but were something to happen to you-“ He trails off, shaking his head. “My father is named for his wrath.” He points out, with a sardonic smirk on his face.

“What?” Alec asks, frowning as he sits on the edge of the bed.

“Alexander, please!” Magnus exclaims, throwing his head back and closing his eyes. “My father’s name means Wrath Demon. Clearly, he was not Created with that name. Imagine, an angel wondering around Heaven called ‘Wrath Demon’. Or, perhaps Grandfather simply knew my father would always fall.” Magnus says, with a laugh as he considers the thought, before shaking his head and crawling into bed.

“Your grandfather is God.” Alec points out, as Magnus all but pulls him down to lie flat on the bed.

“Yes, I’m very aware.”

“Your. Grandfather. Is. God.” Alec repeats, Magnus frowns, rolling onto his stomach, snuggling into Alec’s side and resting his head on Alec’s chest, looking up at his lover.

“Alexander, why are you being weird about this?” He sighs heavily after watching Alec attempt to figure things out.

“Your grandfather is God!”

“Ok-ay, it appears I’ve broken you.” Magnus admits, gently drumming his fingers over Alec’s skin. “Is there a rune to fix that?”

“Yes.” Alec answers, absently, before clearing his throat and shaking his head, seeming to come back to himself. “Wow, your grandfather is God. Wait, your father is King of Edom, right?”

“Yes?” Magnus acknowledges, eyes narrowing.

“Wow, I’m in bed with a prince.” Alec exclaims, Magnus cringes, and looks away from Alec, face still held in grimace. “What?”

“Nothing.” Magnus answers, thinks of how his father had offered him Edom. “It’s nothing. Come on, I promised you cuddling and you’re ruining it by being weird about my grandfather… and my father. Please do not discuss them while we are in bed.”

“Fine.” Alec agrees sounding aggrieved, but he’s laughing, so Magnus just rolls his eyes and rests his ear over Alec’s heart and listens to it beat.

“I really would do anything for you, you know?” Magnus asks, glancing up to meet Alec’s eyes.

“The feeling is mutual.” Alec replies, before sighing heavily and looking away. “What do you think would have happened if Delphine hadn’t fixed you?”

“I’d probably be dead, or close to it.”

“Please don’t do that.” Alec murmurs, quietly, as if he didn’t mean to utter the words.

“If you will agree to the same.” Magnus says, smirking. “Two mortals so afraid of what time well bring.” 

“I’m not afraid of time.” Alec answers, shaking his head. “You’re my everything, my whole world, if I lost you, nothing else would matter.” He confesses, and Magnus nods his head, closing his eyes for just a few seconds as he breathes in deeply.

“True love cannot die.” He says on a breath, the words he’s believed for so long.

“No, but you can.”

“This is true, but as you’re already aware, I’ve always been able to die, Alexander.” Magnus points out, biting his lip. “Now, it’s just a greater possibility.”

“How do we fix that?”

“You can’t.” Magnus says, shaking his head.

“But-“

“No.” Magnus states, firmly no-nonsense. “We would be breaking all known laws to do what you want.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The only truly immortal beings appear to be my Grandfather, those of his kind, and his angelic children… and Lilith. To become undying, you would first need to trap an angel, fallen or otherwise. Then there’s spells, rituals, all manner of runes. Their life would become yours, but you would be cursed forever and so would they.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. If we were meant to be truly immortal, we would be, Alexander. Just be content with the knowledge that so long as we don’t mess anything up, we could have forever.”

“Right.” Alec answers, then he frowns. “Sometimes, I think it was a mistake falling in love with you.” He admits, and Magnus can’t help the gasp that escapes him, the lance he feels stabbing his heart. “I didn’t know what it meant to love someone with everything you are. To bind so much of your happiness to theirs. To see them and to always want them to smile, to laugh, to be… happy. To be so entwined that any little hurt to them, hurts you, too. To tie yourself to them so completely that you don’t know who you are when they aren’t there.”

“You have a Parabatai.” Magnus points out, incredulous.

“It’s not the same. If I lost Jace, I’d be devastated, but my life wouldn’t come to a sudden, screaming stop. I’d go on without him, but I’m not sure I can say the same about losing you. I try to imagine a life without you in it and all I feel is… agony. When we thought Clary was gone, Jace was… such a mess. I kept watching him and I tried to figure out if I’d be any better than him if it was you that was gone, and I couldn’t-”

“Alec-“

“They say that Shadowhunters love once, fiercely. You’re my once, there’s no me without you.”

“Alexander.”

“I mean it.” Alec promises, wriggling and manoeuvring himself so he can sit up, Magnus sits up beside him, as Alec reaches for Magnus’ hands, gripping them tight. “If I lose you, I will live long enough to avenge you, then I will crawl into the grave beside you. I know it’s not what you want. I know it’s…not healthy. But it’s what you’ve already asked of me. If we become vampires together, we will die together anyway. That’s how it always has to be.”

“Okay.” Magnus agrees, can’t find a viable argument that he knows will win, especially when he feels the same. “I never loved anyone the way I love you, never understood the cliché until now.” He admits, looking down at their joint hands. “In the past, I’ve kissed my lovers goodbye, then watched them walk to their deaths. I question how I did that, when I look at you and I feel a part of me dying at just the thought. I question how I sat with some of them as they died, yet when I sat with you in that alleyway I felt like was dying with you. Felt like the breath that might have been your last would have been mine, too."

“I believe we’re what is called 'a mess'.” Alec says, Magnus smiles and leans forward to press a kiss to his lips.

“We are a hot mess.” Magnus agrees, laughing. “But we’ll make the most of it.” He promises, before he’s interrupted by the sound of Alec’s phone ringing. “Absolutely no phones on our honeymoon!”

“Deal!” Alec groans as he rolls to the side to pick up his phone, glances at the name then frowns at Magnus. “Hey, did you ever figure out what Underhill’s problem was with you?”

“Not really, no.” Magnus answers, shrugging his shoulders. “Answer your phone, the faster you deal with this, the faster we can get back to the snuggling part of today’s program.” Alec makes a face but obeys, and life carries on as normal, or what currently passes for normal anyway.

* * *

_It all crept up on you, in the night it got you,_  
_And plagued your mind, it plagues your mind._  
_Every day it passes faster than the last did,_  
_And you’ll be old, soon you’ll be old._  
_Do you like the person you’ve become...?_  
  
_Oh tell yourself this is how it’s going to be._  
~Bastille, Weight of Living, Part 2

**Author's Note:**

> Totally rooting for Alec to beat the shit out of Lorenzo or something next episode, but at the same time, I figure if Magnus woke up and Alec had gotten into a fight with Lorenzo that ended up with Lorenzo dead, Magnus'd probably have a hard time accepting that...


End file.
